You Deserve to Be Eaten by Zombies

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Pop quiz!

The barriers against the zombies is breeched, and your village is overrun. You manage to escape with your older brother, best friend, betrothed, one true love love, a random first grader, and your dog. After a few days, you find another town, but it has also been overrun by zombies. You and your love barricade yourself in what appears to be the nicest house in town, while the rest of your party gets up in a tree house. There is a platform on the roof that once had a rope bridge to the treehouses, but it has been cut and now hangs limp.

Inside the house you discover a very large supply of weapons, including several crates of arrows for the many available crossbows, chests that may contain the secrets you've been searching for all of your life, and enough food to last you and your sweet darling several years. Hundreds of zombies are tirelessly clawing at the house, trying to get in.

You spend your days:
A) shooting zombies out the window with the other five human members of your party, thinning their numbers in a matter of days.
B) searching the chests for the answers you've been looking for your entire life.
C) attempting to repair the bridge to the treehouses before the zombies break though.
D) sitting on the roof, daydreaming about the ocean.

If you picked D, then you are equally as retarded as every character from The Forest of Hands and Teeth. Which started out great (I'm into post-apocalyptic zombie crap, okay), other than the weird concept that, hundreds of years in the future, towns are ruled by groups of women, yet female citizens are treated like property with floor-length skirts and betrothals and the like. Math that out.

Stupidest book ever. Stupid on every level. Except the zombies. I love zombies.

Also, since you're never going to read it (please don't), I'm just gonna say that the main character is basically responsible for the death of everyone. The main character kills like twenty zombies in an hour out of boredom, but that's the only attempt they make to actually do anything until the zombies begin to flood the house. Then they run into the attic, where her homeboy finally starts fixing the bridge. I'm practically screaming at my Nook "Pile the fracking chests full of books and newspapers on top of the fracking attic door!!!" but, no, she decides it's a good damn time to pick up a copy of The New York Times (yes, really) and marvel at the pictures of the city. She's seriously like "Lover, stop trying to finally save us please and look at this picturesque skyline!"

They get across the bridge, and promptly go back to doing nothing useful for a day or so, at which point someone finally starts killing off the zombies.

That someone is the six-year-old. He accidentally started a fire, and it turns out the only thing more flammable than treehouses is zombies. That's right, the only useful characters are the little boy and, though I didn't go into it, the dog.

Faced with either burning to death or being zombie-snacks, what's-his-face sacrifices himself in order to clear a path out of town for the rest of them. Before he dies, he apologizes for not being enough to make his precious little idiot happy, and makes her promise that she'll get to her precious fracking ocean. Which is all well and good with her since she was already planning on leaving him to escape on her own and go see the ocean.

Did I mention that she stole this guy from her best friend, and that this guy is her fiancé's brother? Way. To be. A bitch.

At least she has the decency to decapitate him before insisting that everyone else follow her to the ocean.

So they're almost to the ocean, but there's lots of zombies in their way. Everyone else is like "What the hell is wrong with you that you think we're going to forge a river of zombies just to see an ocean full of even more zombies??" but she's like "My mom said it's salty! I effing love salt!" and seriously barrels into the middle of zombie territory.

She makes it maybe ten yards before she realizes she is completely hosed.

But it's okay, because he brother dies saving her stupid fracking face, and then she keeps moving, not giving her fiancé, best friend, dog, or the small child a second thought.

And then she gets to the ocean. And it's big and it's salty. And there are hundreds of zombies on the beach. And she is somehow satisfied with this outcome.

If I ever run into Carrie Ryan at a Barnes and Noble, I will shotgun her in the face. And I won't forget to double tap.


William said...

Well, I have no desire to read the book, but the review was entertaining :-)

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