A Song of Ice and Fire

[ paperpie ]

I just wanted to take a moment to let everyone know that I am madly obsessed with HBO's Game of Thrones and the book series it's based on. I watched the first five episodes in a sitting, and then started reading the books the next day.

This series has so much detail and is so unpredictable that it seems wholly possible that the author, George R.R. Martin, has a portal in the back of his wardrobe that takes him to Westeros, where he just copies down everything that is happening and scribbles it out for our reading pleasure. I've read long fantasy series before, but the attention to detail in this series borders on madness.

The show is currently my favorite show, and the book series is currently my favorite set of books. If someone were to ask me who my favorite character is in either incarnation... I think I might implode just trying to pick.

I hate to hype things up, but I'm going to anyway. Just look at this map of Westeros. It's crazy. And there's plenty more to the world of A Song of Ice and Fire than Westeros. Even my mother is reading this series. My friend picked up the first book and within three chapters was saying "Hooray! I have something to replace my Harry Potter obsession!"

It's good stuff. Read it or watch it or both.

Being "Immune" to the Zombie Infection is Just a Nice Way of Saying You have No Brain

A while ago, I posted a review of the stupidest book I'd ever read. That was until I read the sequel, The Dead Tossed Waves. What can I say? I'm a competionist when it comes to books, even if it's garbage. And, yes, the sequel was garbage, but not in the fun What the hell are you doing?? How have you survived this long, you stupid whore?? kind of way like the first one was.

It was boring. In fact, I skimmed maybe even most of it. There were a lot of pages where I read one sentence, just to be sure the author was still describing the same thing. It took twenty pages for two people to cross a bridge. It's like the Dragon Ball Z of trite post-apocolyptic zombie romance.

The basic story takes place maybe almost thirty years after the first one. Stupid Whore is grown up and has a daughter of her own. Stupid Whore Junior is the opposite of her mother--she doesn't give a hoot about traveling to another place just for the hell of it, doesn't think it's a good idea to run through zombie territory for any reason, and she's blond. Her friends try and convince her to hop the fence with them to hang out at the abandoned amusement part, to which she says screw that... until the boy she likes asks her to come.

So she does. And they all die. Because you don't hop the damn zombie fence, you retards.

Well, obviously, she doesn't die. And neither does her boyfriend, even though he's been bitten. It turns out he's immune to the virus, and is now a carrier. Which means that they cannot make out any more. Which leads to many scenes with them pressed up against each other and breathing heavy.

...

Anyway.

They run away together. With some other guy who just randomly came out of the woods and decided to start following Stupid Whore Junior around. She spends a lot of time breathing heavy with him too. In fact, she alternates. And she doesn't even seem to feel bad about it. Can't choose between the two guys you're traveling with? There can be only one solution: Dry. Hump. Everything.

Oh, and Stupid Whore Junior murders someone before she leaves. Like straight up stabs him in the torso and flees. So they run into the forest, being chased by some army guys. The army guys mostly want to bring in the infected but immune guy. Why? Because the zombies won't eat him, which means he can kill them easily. He can, like, walk into the middle of a group of them, hand one of them a bomb, and then walk out. Or he can go get supplies without being attacked.

At this point I'm thinking... this party basically consists of a girl who murdered someone so that she could flee and be with her boyfriends, and a guy who could really help the anti-zombie effort but doesn't feel like it. And I honestly don't think the author realizes she's turned her protagonists into the bad guys here.

Despite this, for some reason I cannot fathom, they're running away from the army guys and towards the capitol city... which I'm pretty sure is where the army comes from. Which probably makes the least sense of anything that has happened in either of these books. They don't even get there by the end of the book. It's just, like, over.

There are, however, some highlights to this flee-and-chase fiasco:

After making out with Random Tag-Along guy, he's all smiling and walking down the path backwards... and steps right off the edge of a cliff. Seriously. All this fleeing from the army and from zombies, and he's done in because he can't watch where he's going. They pull him up, but his leg is broken so... they leave him and move the heck on, of course.

This is good, though, because it leads to one of my favorite moments in fine literature of all time. So Stupid Whore Junior and her infected boyfriend are still being chased by army guys when they come across a school bus. Upon further inspection, the bus is full of first graders in matching little blue sweaters. Hundred-year-old zombie first graders. The author even describes how they look almost alive and have pig tails. How do our protagonists react? They start picking up the zombie first graders and chucking them at the army guys.

The "good guys" pick up. Dead six-year-olds. And throw them. At soldiers.

The whole scene was just beautiful in its insanity.

So the third book is out, and, on the one hand, I'm kind of excited to find out what shenanigans the author manages to conjure up this time, but, on the other, I'm not sure I have many more brain cells left to spare.

You Deserve to Be Eaten by Zombies

Pop quiz!

The barriers against the zombies is breeched, and your village is overrun. You manage to escape with your older brother, best friend, betrothed, one true love love, a random first grader, and your dog. After a few days, you find another town, but it has also been overrun by zombies. You and your love barricade yourself in what appears to be the nicest house in town, while the rest of your party gets up in a tree house. There is a platform on the roof that once had a rope bridge to the treehouses, but it has been cut and now hangs limp.

Inside the house you discover a very large supply of weapons, including several crates of arrows for the many available crossbows, chests that may contain the secrets you've been searching for all of your life, and enough food to last you and your sweet darling several years. Hundreds of zombies are tirelessly clawing at the house, trying to get in.

You spend your days:
A) shooting zombies out the window with the other five human members of your party, thinning their numbers in a matter of days.
B) searching the chests for the answers you've been looking for your entire life.
C) attempting to repair the bridge to the treehouses before the zombies break though.
D) sitting on the roof, daydreaming about the ocean.

If you picked D, then you are equally as retarded as every character from The Forest of Hands and Teeth. Which started out great (I'm into post-apocalyptic zombie crap, okay), other than the weird concept that, hundreds of years in the future, towns are ruled by groups of women, yet female citizens are treated like property with floor-length skirts and betrothals and the like. Math that out.

Stupidest book ever. Stupid on every level. Except the zombies. I love zombies.

Also, since you're never going to read it (please don't), I'm just gonna say that the main character is basically responsible for the death of everyone. The main character kills like twenty zombies in an hour out of boredom, but that's the only attempt they make to actually do anything until the zombies begin to flood the house. Then they run into the attic, where her homeboy finally starts fixing the bridge. I'm practically screaming at my Nook "Pile the fracking chests full of books and newspapers on top of the fracking attic door!!!" but, no, she decides it's a good damn time to pick up a copy of The New York Times (yes, really) and marvel at the pictures of the city. She's seriously like "Lover, stop trying to finally save us please and look at this picturesque skyline!"

They get across the bridge, and promptly go back to doing nothing useful for a day or so, at which point someone finally starts killing off the zombies.

That someone is the six-year-old. He accidentally started a fire, and it turns out the only thing more flammable than treehouses is zombies. That's right, the only useful characters are the little boy and, though I didn't go into it, the dog.

Faced with either burning to death or being zombie-snacks, what's-his-face sacrifices himself in order to clear a path out of town for the rest of them. Before he dies, he apologizes for not being enough to make his precious little idiot happy, and makes her promise that she'll get to her precious fracking ocean. Which is all well and good with her since she was already planning on leaving him to escape on her own and go see the ocean.

Did I mention that she stole this guy from her best friend, and that this guy is her fiancé's brother? Way. To be. A bitch.

At least she has the decency to decapitate him before insisting that everyone else follow her to the ocean.

So they're almost to the ocean, but there's lots of zombies in their way. Everyone else is like "What the hell is wrong with you that you think we're going to forge a river of zombies just to see an ocean full of even more zombies??" but she's like "My mom said it's salty! I effing love salt!" and seriously barrels into the middle of zombie territory.

She makes it maybe ten yards before she realizes she is completely hosed.

But it's okay, because he brother dies saving her stupid fracking face, and then she keeps moving, not giving her fiancé, best friend, dog, or the small child a second thought.

And then she gets to the ocean. And it's big and it's salty. And there are hundreds of zombies on the beach. And she is somehow satisfied with this outcome.

If I ever run into Carrie Ryan at a Barnes and Noble, I will shotgun her in the face. And I won't forget to double tap.

Housewife Tales, Part 2: Baking

Last week I made an entry about all the foods I've been cooking. They've been delicious, but decidedly uncute. To balance this, I have also taken to baking.

Now this is a hobby. It works out reasonably well because I don't actually like to eat most of this stuff, so I get to pawn them off on other people. In fact, the only thing pictured that I've actually eaten is the shortbread cookies, which I confess I didn't make. I did fall in love with them though and made thumbprint cookies during our next baking-themed get-together.
Dispite the glory that is all of the above, I am not a super creative person, and it takes a lot of browsing for me to get an idea of what I'm going to bake. My inspiration comes from several main places...

Cake Pops by Bakerella
The first time anyone sees a cakepop, they are instantly amazed. Cakepops are brilliant and adorable, and I only know how to make them through the guidance of Bakerella. I've made cakepops several times and have been getting requests for more. The rainbow "cakeball cake" above is just a bunch of cakeballs stacked (much easier than putting them on a stick I think). The instructions for the Hello Kitty cake pops can be found on Bakerella's website right here.

All Cakes Considered by Melissa Gray

This book is so cute and filled with so many kinds of cake. It also educated me on the differences between the different kinds of flour, and each recipe comes with an interesting little anecdote. There's a kind of cake here for all tastes, and all skill levels.

A word of caution: You need a mixer for most of these recipes. Or at least you probably need one, unless you're insane enough to beat eggs and whip cream by hand. I'm not.

Fairy Cooking by Rebecca Gilpin and Catherine Atkinson
Yes, this is a cookbook for little kids. I don't care; it's cute and the recipes are great. Not all of them are baked goods, but all of them are cute. For my oldest friend's bridal shower I made four things, all of which I found in this book. They were super adorable.

And, being that it's a kids' cookbook, all of the recipes are easy. Cute, easy, and tasty. Win, win, and win.

Hello Cupcake by Karen Tack and Alan Richardson
I feel like you should have to pass some kind of psychological evaluation before being allowed to own this book. Attempting these creations is not for the feint of heart. Totally worth it though--every single idea in here is endlessly cute. You will not find baking recipes in here, just dozens of adorable decorating ideas for every occasion.

These are best accomplished with the help of friends. The chocolate owls above took three people three hours to decorate. But look at how cute they are! There's also a second book out, which I must soon get my hands on.

Perfect Cupcakes
This book reminds me very much of All Cakes Considered, except on a smaller cup-sized scale. Same concept though: a wide variety of flavors, mostly with simple but cute decorating ideas. You won't see any decorating tips like those from Hello Cupcake, but sometimes simple is perfect. And you can never go wrong with pink frosting.





I also invested in two dozen silicone cupcake cups, which I love. People keep getting confused and throwing them away though, which leads to a scolding from me. I picked up a dozen round cups, six flower cups, and six butterfly cups (pictured above) all four $4 at Target. Seeing as they're often ten times that price, I was quite thrilled. The best part is that the cup, being that it's not paper, remains a bright color, which compliments the decoration on top. Finding baking stuff in the dollar section of Target is almost my favorite part of any holiday.

With This Purple Cover, I Thee Wed

When I was a young teenager I read a lot. I mean a lot. I'm an introvert so I would be totally content to sit in my room and finish two R.L. Stine books on a Saturday. As I got older I read less and socialized more, but lately I've re-kindled my love of reading.

Now I spend a lot of my time reading again. Poncho usually gets in bed around 20:00 and I'll crawl in with him because he smells good, but I often stay up reading until 2:00.

Holding a book open while laying down got irritating. My pinky was getting tired. So I started reading ebooks on my laptop, but that made my eyes hurt.

So, with my birthday fast approaching, I begged and pleaded and whined for a Barnes & Noble Nook. Well, my birthday was last Sunday, and lo:

 I'm so spoiled.

I admit I was against the idea for awhile. What bookworm doesn't love actual books? Yes, the smell of them, the sound of turning a page, the way they sit on your shelf like a trophy once your done with them... Bookworms love owning physical copies of the books they've conquered.

After about the fifth time packing them up and moving them to a new place you get over that.

Now I have all of my favorite books with me everywhere I go! Yes, I got digital copies of my favorites, even though I've read them all as many as five times. It's comforting to have them with me though. Yes, I'm like that.

Crispy.

I shopped around before settling on the Nook, of course. If I'm going to beg for it I'd better be sure I'm begging for something awesome. It has it's flaws, sure, but I've found that they're mostly software flaws, which could potentially be fixed by a simple software update. B&N has already fixed a couple of flaws.

Allow me to break it down simply:

Things About the Nook that are Awesome:

1. The "E Ink" screen. No glare and easy on the eyes. (more on E Ink)
2. You can turn the page either by clicking the big buttons, or by flicking your finger on the touch screen.
3. Speaking of the touch screen: the touch screen. All the menus can be navigated easily by touch, and it has pretty colors.
4. Expandable memory was a deal-breaker for me. A must-have.
5. The music player. Add an extra 2GB of memory and fill it with music to listen to while I read? Yes, please.
6. It can read ePub, PDB, and PDF formats.
7. Customizing the wallpaper and screensaver with my own JPGs is fun!
8. The battery life is, like... long. The battery is also replaceable, so if I bork it I can just get a new battery instead of a new Nook.
9. I named it Maynard.

 Things About the Nook that are Not so Awesome:

1. There is no proper image viewer. This means I can't put a manga on it in JPG format and read it; I have to convert it to a PDF first. (More on that another day.)
2. There is not yet a "go to page" function. I can go to chapter or title page or search for a word, but I can't just "go to page number." When I first loaded it up I was on page 308 of my current book. Finding that page sucked. I assume they will add this feature soon. Update: They added it.
3. When the touch screen is functioning as a keyboard, they have the "clear" and "cancel" buttons right freaking there. I can't imagine how a person with fat fingers would function when faced with such a dilemma.

I guess some people consider the lack of Internet browser to be a flaw, as those who purchased a Kindle are all "Neener-neener I'm checking my email!" I prefer it this way though. I know myself, and I know if my book has Internet I will get too distracted. I already get all my emails, tweets, and Facebook updates sent to my phone, I don't need them all up in my book. Though the super geeks have already found ways to add their own browsers and such to it anyways. Update: It has a browser now. And chess and sudoku. And the pages turn faster.

Overall, I love it and I'm going to marry it. With all the free ebooks you can get, it's a fairly economical choice, I think.

Read more about the Nook on Wikipedia.

Review: Spoonflower.com

My Spoonflower.com swatches came in the mail! Yesterday, actually, but whatever.

On August 20th, Spoonflower had a "free swatch" day, so I took advantage. I actually almost forgot, since I spent the day with my siblings, so the swatches I picked aren't nearly as cool as I had intended--fifteen minutes isn't really any time to draw anything out or get choosy on fabric types.

Lighting sucks everywhere in my apartment.

These are both just the quilting weight cotton ($18/yd). The edges are frayed and they're wrinkled 'cause I just washed them; when they first arrived they were very un-frayed and un-wrinkled.

They let you select the scale. Since I didn't have time to draw anything out, I was worried that the images I was tossing in there wouldn't be big enough, but very little detail was lost in the printing.

These are the actual images I uploaded for printing.

Allow Tuxedo Yoda to help show the scale.

So I ordered on August 20th, my order shipped on September 4th, and I received my order on September 8th. I'm no authority on how long it takes to fill these orders, especially after doing something crazy like a free swatch day (really, even shipping was free), but I think that's a reasonable amount of time to wait for something like this. I don't know if an actual paid-for order would be faster.

Now I just need an excuse to buy my own custom fabrics. I guess I should start sewing more often. I did add Spoonflower.com gift certificates to my Amazon.com wishlist anyway though.