So I'm a Wuss

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Is it normal to be thinking about child birthing methods so much before you're even thinking of, like, actually trying to even get pregnant? Girls do that, right? We grow up planning our weddings, the color scheme of our dream home, and which hole our children will come out of.

The reason I bring this up is because the Netflix goblin kept insisting I watch "The Business of Being Born," so I did, and it was all medical birth isn't as cool as natural birth; natural birth is empowering, and I'm like yeah, dude, I want to be empowered; I can be badass like that. I mean, I watched my friend L go through a natural birth and it was totally horrifying but at least, like, 60% totally awesome.

For like twenty-four whole hours I was that kind of woman who could totally stand there in the middle of her own living room with just her husband and a midwife watching as she reached down and pulled her child from her own vagina. And maybe bit through the chord before attaching the kid to her breast for sustenance. Maybe.

The thing about that whole scenario is that, in my head, I am a dreamer. I go crazy places and do crazy things. My body has my back though; my body is a realist. And yesterday my body had had enough of this baloney and decided to bring me back down to Earth, calling upon the demon inside my uterus and giving me the worst cramps ever. Over sharing? Whatever. I totally threw up my grapes and donut breakfast all up in my lap. I hear this is normal monthly behavior for some women. If you're one of those women, I'm sorry. So, so sorry. I don't know what you did in a past life to deserve this.

I'm convinced these two events are connected, this documentary watching and uterus shattering, and am reminded that women who are awesome enough to have their kids without any pain killers are also crazy. My kid's middle name is going to be Epidural.

Surely this is a foreshadowing to what kind of mother I'll be. I'm no martyr! Already I live by the motto "part of taking care of the kids is taking care of their mommy."

Then again, my mother likes to remind me that I came out of her far too fast for any drugs to be administered. And that my head was [is] abnormally large.

...Maybe I'll just put off having kids for five more years.


Jessica said...

I'm so content with just getting an epidural if I ever have a kid one day. I'm not even going to try to do it natural. It's not a contest, as long as I go home with a kid, I'm happy. XD

Plum said...

The documentary made it sound pretty awesome to go without meds, like there's this crazy high and bonding experience after that you miss if you didn't go through all the pain. I mean, I can see the merit of it, but I am just a big wuss.

Wesley said...

That's bullshit and you know it. The "anything not entirely 'natural' is inferior" propaganda is tiresome. Does a pregnancy from IVF result in less of a "crazy high and bonding experience" than a "natural" pregnancy?

You're going to do it anyway, but definitely do what you think is best for you. If I were a woman, that would be drugs all the way.

Plum said...

I don't think it was really implied that natural birth was better simply BECAUSE it's natural. The points they laid out in favor of natural birth seemed reasonable enough. They just failed to do one thing: lie and promise me it wouldn't hurt that bad.

Bonus: I got to see Ricki Lake reach down and pull her baby out of herself.

Jessica said...

"Bonus: I got to see Ricki Lake reach down and pull her baby out of herself."


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